I recently turned 30. Most of you already know this. On the one hand, it's pretty nice. I look 25, all my parts work, and my years have gifted me with at least a little bit of class. Well, maybe not. On the other hand, I feel a bit behind. I'm not married, I don't have kids, and my career is still in, uh....flux. Upon hearing my age, a 19-year-old girl I work with said, "So, I guess you don't want to get married or have kids then?" Wait, no one told me I had to have this figured out by now! Is it too late? How can I be too old if Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone, both almost 70, are still kicking ass and taking names?
After a few years out of the limelight, the aging stars have returned in a series of "Geriatric Action" films. Starting with The Expendables, our Reagan-era heroes have made a big return to the silver screen. With films like Bullet to the Head and The Last Stand, Stallone and Schwarzenegger have shown that they're not ready for orthopedic shoes just yet. They still know how to tote ridiculously sized weaponry and spout clichéd one-liners. The two actors are clearly in this for the paycheck, but why do we flock to the theater to see the aging heroes? Maybe it's because, to feel immortal, we need our action stars to be immortal too. Think about how long John Wayne wore his gun belt. The guy needed an hour to go the bathroom, but he could still ride a horse. If our heroes get old, we get old. However, if they keep saving the day, we can all take one more step away from our own mortality.
With their new film Escape Plan, it is clear that Schwarzenegger and Stallone may need to trade in their M-60s for Metamucil tablets. Like most of the other Geriatric Action films, Escape Plan is a rehash of old genre tropes. The plot is a mix of Stuart Gordon's Fortress and John Flynn's Lock-Up. Stallone starred in the latter. Did he forget that he already made this movie once? You know old age...The cinematography is bland and reflects the worst of digital age filmmaking; no contrast, bland color, etc. Mikael Hafstrom's directing is serviceable, but unimpressive. As in their other recent films, the dialogue and plotting is all very self-conscious. The actors and filmmakers are seemingly aware of just how absurd the whole premise is. It's as if they can't believe they're still being paid and want to get as much fun in before it all ends.
And, you know what, it is fun. I can't help getting caught up in escape movies. We watch as Stallone sizes up every detail in the high-tech prison. He memorizes the layout of the prison, the guard's movements, and the surveillance systems. In an escape film, nothing is insignificant. Even in a weak film like Escape Plan, you watch your characters like you watch a magician. How are they going to crack the code? How are they going to outsmart the system? Most of us pay little attention to our surroundings because our lives are made of predictable routine. It's a nice fantasy where our environment is stimulating again. For the escape artist, every sound, smell, and sight could be useful in an intricately planned exodus.
I will also say that I would much rather watch Stallone escape than Tim Robbins. Unlike The Shawshank Redemption, Escape Plan did not subject me to the expositional ramblings of Morgan Freeman. I was not bombarded by contrived symbolism and cloying sentimentality. While the filmmaking in Escape Plan is simple, it is not ostentatious and pretentious, as is Frank Darabont's direction...I love ripping on The Shawkshank Redemption. When I tell people of my great disdain for the film, they look at me like I just strangled a kitten. Well, I would never hurt an animal, but I'll tell you that Escape Plan is better than that Redeeming pile of...sorry.
Escape Plan is simple and generic, but it's two hours with some of our oldest friends. Even though Stallone and Schwarzenegger look like they're wearing old man pants and their hairplugs are a bit too obvious, it's nice to see them up and kicking. If they can still hang from helicopters and crack skulls, maybe I have more time to get my life in order. Don't retire yet, guys; I have some stuff to figure out. Thanks.
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